Going-Rogue.blog

"Living Life on My Own Terms"

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I am a 47 year-old mother of two boys, a twenty-five year veteran high school English teacher, who, after a twenty-year disaster of a marriage, is determined to live life on my own terms.
  • Move Forward

    Move Forward

    Yellowstone. No, I’m not referring to the national park out West. I referring to the television show which took the viewing world by storm when it premiered in 2018, showcasing the mafia-like families that control the still very wild west-like lands of Montana. Just like everyone else, I watched each episode with excitement, waiting for the next fist fight or the next sexy interaction between Rip and Beth Dutton. With the writers’ strike that occurred between May 2 and September 27, 2023, the premier of part two of season five was delayed until November of 2024. Since I have been deprived of seeing Kevin Costner’s handsome face on my screen, I started to watch the show from the beginning. In episode 4, “The Long Black Train”, Costner’s character, John Dutton, says to his son, Kayce, “You’re the only one that is looking back.”

    I think it finally took those words from Costner’s character for me to realize that I am the only one that is looking back. Oh yes, I have moved forward in some respects, but in others, I have not. I think that this sentiment applies to some others I know as well.

    Why is it so hard to let go of the past? I think that for some, the past might hold some fond memories of people who are no longer with us. For others, letting go of the past and moving forward requires change, and as we all know, change is hard. Or, it could be that letting go of the past forces us to confront the emotions that accompany the past, and most oftentimes, those emotions are not happy ones. They are usually guilt, shame, anger, and regret. When those memories of the past come into mind, it is hard to fight against them, and I often find myself succumbing to the waves of emotion that accompanies those emotions. It is easy to get caught up in those waves; they are powerful and disorienting.

    For me, I think about the past and often wonder, “What could have been?” I think that part of pondering the past is worse than remembering ‘the good old days’. I would often find myself in tears with the thought that I might have missed out on a wonderful life with someone, “if only”. Finally, someone recently said to me, “By living in the past, you are only missing out on the future.” Those words really resonated with me and I finally found the strength to move forward. Oh, I’m not going to lie and say that some days aren’t harder than others, but on most days, I find that I am able to keep my eyes facing forward and live only for today and tomorrow. Much like the picture at the top of this post, it is easy to look at the gigantic wall of water rolling towards you and be overcome with fear, however, take a different perspective and try to see the bright light of the sun as it penetrates the aqua blue and teal liquid of the ocean.

  • TBI Without the Physical Trauma

    The following is a list of symptoms of a mild Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI):

    Thank you to http://www.frontlineer.com for the powerful graphic. How many of these symptoms do you experience on a daily/weekly basis? I suffer from all at one point or another on a regular basis, except for the nausea and vomiting. Thank goodness for that!

    Since 2015, I have suffered a number of terrible life events. I haven’t decided if I am going to discuss these events in my blog, so right now, let’s just say that life has been incredibly difficult since then. However, these life events finally culminated in some major health issues for me. I can safely say that I have suffered a TBI brought on by stress. No, a doctor has not officially diagnosed me with a TBI, but I think anyone who knows me can agree I exhibit many of the symptoms of a mild TBI.

    I find now that I have to write down more information than I used to; thank goodness for Mom’s secret stash of notecards, otherwise I would be doomed to using the back of a napkin! I find that I forget things a lot more often than I used to. This behavior is extremely embarrassing to me as it often makes me the subject of ridicule. I have a terrible time sleeping, both falling asleep and staying asleep. I could go on and on listing each of the symptoms and discussing how they affect my life, but you get the point.

    What can you do to move through this stage of life? What am I doing to make it through day to day life? I’ve tried any number of things, and, to be truthful, not many have worked. Yet, here I am, still trying, still thriving, every single day. The best answer I can give anyone who is trying to make a comeback in his or her life, is to find yourself a great support person/group. I would not be where I am today, without the constant reassuring love of my best friend. All the other tactics that experts suggest won’t work unless you have a great support group.

    Life is chaotic, life is crazy, but life is meant to be lived to its fullest. The world needs every single one of us to make it go round. Take a breath, take a moment to refocus, then straighten up your shoulders and fly right!

  • Social Media is Anything But Social

    I will be the first to admit that I jumped on the social media bandwagon almost immediately after its inception. Currently, I have profiles/pages on almost all of the mainstream social media sites: Facebook, Instagram, X, Threads, Snapchat, TikTok, and LinkedIn. I was enchanted by the idea of the many social connections that were promised in the slick media-produced marketing campaigns. However, upon reflection, I have come to realize that social media is anything but social.

    One definition of the word social presents the concept that it relates to companionship. Unfortunately, it seems as if social media has driven a wedge between many people, the exact opposite of its original intent. Don’t get me wrong, social media has indeed fostered companionship for many. However, in my experience, social media has created strife and conflict in the lives of many friends and family members.

    I will admit that I am guilty of adding to that strife and conflict. It is only in moments of tremendous hurt and agony have I allowed myself to succumb to the negative desire of posting hurtful material on social media. In the past, I have given in to the gremlin who once sat on my shoulder and whispered, “Go ahead and post that nasty comment. You need to post that hurtful quote. Doing so will make you feel better. ” Ultimately, doing so made me feel anything but better. Doing so made me feel despondent and only caused me to sink further into my despair.

    Oftentimes we think that by posting something negative, the other person will see that particular post and feel sorrow or remorse for what he or she might have done or said in the past. Most likely this is not the case. Said individual is probably ensnared in his or her own life and does not think about the problems, worries, or concerns of others.

    So what can you do to combat that need to post something hurtful or hateful? I don’t have the answer, but I can tell you what I would have done in a situation like this.

    1. Admit that there is an issue between you and this particular person.
    2. Acknowledge the feelings that accompany the issue.
    3. Write down what you want to do.
    4. Do the EXACT opposite.

    Do all of these steps have to be completed on social media for all the world to see? No. However, it is my belief that number four needs to be made public. My suggestion is not to use any names in your post. The person to whom you are referring will know that post is meant for him or her.

    In the years since I created my first social media account, I have traveled from one end of the spectrum to the other. I have used specific names, even tagged specific people, asked friends to post comments for me, recruited friends to contact this particular person, and so much more. Needless to say I am not proud of my behavior. I would like to believe I am a changed woman. Yet, every now and then, that little gremlin creeps into my ear and whispers, “Post something hurtful, something inappropriate or nasty, something that will make that person hurt just like you are hurting right now.” It takes every fiber of my being to ignore that mean little gremlin and do the exact opposite. But once I do manage to gather the willpower to perform that feat of kindness, my body hums with strength, resilience, power, determination, and so much more. Those feelings should be nurtured, and, once they grow strong, it will be all the harder for that mean little gremlin to attempt to take control of your psyche.

  • Transforming Hardships into Compassionate Living

    Transforming Hardships into Compassionate Living

    “I don’t understand why things have to be this hard.” These are the words that I find myself repeating multiple times a day in regards to both personal and professional issues. I can’t understand why whatever issues that arise can’t be handled with grace and understanding, patience and compassion, and kindness and empathy. It simply boggles my mind when I find myself in the midst of a conflict during which grown adults resort to verbal abuse. Unfortunately, I have witnessed or been involved in my fair share of frays as of late.

    Life has dealt me a number of tough blows over the last few years, and, as a result, I have had to change my perspective in every single facet of my life. As I have attempted to come to grips with the many heart-breaks of the last four years, I have worked very hard to refocus my energy into acts of kindness and words of love. Granted, it doesn’t always work out that way, but I try.

    However, as I write these words, I’m reminded of an aphorism which I use on a fairly frequent basis: “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” According to BookBrowse.com, the phrase might have originated as early as the twelfth century, but even that date seems a bit suspect. Unfortunately, no one has really been able to pin down the exact origin of that phrase. I would rather not dwell on the origin, but rather focus on the meaning behind the phrase. My personal interpretation is that words are meaningless without the actions to back them up.

    I wake each day with a grateful heart, thanking God for the breath in my lungs and the blood pumping through my body. It is my personal mission to work through the chaos of daily life with goodness and light. While I am only one person, it only takes one person to make a difference in the life of another.